Blissful Heartache
by adventocean
Summary: No sleep, no food, nothing but training. He wants nothing more than to be recognized by the one he adores most. But he won't look, won't even give him the time of day. It hurts so much, this blissful love. Rated M for future chapters.


Recluse - A person who lives a solitary life and tends to avoid other people.

The very definition of Kaoru Ichinose. A shut in, solely dependent on the infamous MMO, The World. Chestnut locks were a tangled mess, wrapped against his skin from sweat. He hadn't left his room in nearly three weeks, having hardly eaten, and having hardly slept. His hands were wrapped tightly around his controller, tired eyes peering at the scenery displayed within his FMD. Kaoru's body was growing thinner, becoming something he viewed as grotesque. Though his confidence had never been particularly high, it seemed to be reaching an all-time low at this point. The thin male gritted his teeth, gripping the controller tighter. Within the FMD, his character Endrance was fighting off high-level monsters. He was a strong character, no one could deny that. But the monsters he fought were still ten levels above his own.

"I have to. . . I have to get stronger. Or. . . he won't look at me." Mumbled words escaped cracked lips.

The Adept Rogue yawned, having only woken up moments prior. Ryou rubbed sleepily at his eyes, taking a moment to boot up his computer. Three new emails, all of which he didn't want to deal with. The first, sent from Atoli, was somewhat long, leaving Ryou completely annoyed as the email babbled on and on about how much she missed adventuring with him. Rolling his eyes, Ryou responded and pressed on to the next email. CC Corp, which Ryou quickly ignored. The last was from someone rather unexpected.

Endrance.

Ryou opened the mail, only to find a blank message, as if Endrance had nothing truly to say. _'The hell?'_ Was the only though that passed the boy's mind before he exited his messages and proceeded to log on to The World. Adorning his FMD, he warped into Mac Anu, Ryou's eyes peering through the maroon optics of Haseo. Opening his menu, Haseo glanced over his list of friends. Endrance, Atoli, Silabus, and Kuhn were the only ones online and not busy. Taking a moment to ponder, Ryou eventually clicked on Endrance's name, inviting him to make a party. Shock crossed his face as the invite was rejected.

_'What the hell?'_ Ryou sat, puzzled. Shrugging it off, he simply invited Silabus and Kuhn to the party. The two responded with chipper hello's as they warped in to Haseo's location. Both seemed to be in high spirits, though Haseo couldn't say the same. Grumbling, he waved to the both of them as they approached.

"Haseo! It's been a while since we've adventured together!" Silabus greeted, voice full of enthusiasm.

"Sure has." Kuhn stated with a smirk.

Haseo shrugged. "Sorry, been busy lately."

"Oh?" Kuhn prodded. "Busy with Atoli?"

"The hell's that supposed to mean," Haseo snapped.

Kuhn raised his hands. "Nothing, nothing," he chirped with a sly smile.

Haseo chose to ignore Kuhn's idiotic behavior, and instead began to input area words into the Chaos Gate. He wanted to level. A lot. He wanted a damn challenge, so that he could preoccupy his mind. He chose an area that had a good five levels on him, and away they went. The area was rainy, the downpour so thick that it was hard to see the monsters that roamed the field. Haseo peered around through his FMD, looking for the first victims. There were several beasts not to far ahead of them, and so Haseo drew his scythe, and ran in head first. Silabus and Kuhn stood there for a moment, unsure of why Haseo was behaving somewhat strangely. The monsters were strong, knocking Haseo back the moment he got near. Still, he charged in, soon backed up by Kuhn and Silabus. The monsters raged, aiming for Haseo. His HP dwindled down low, along with Silabus and Kuhn.

Haseo ran a few paces from the monsters and opened his spell list. "Ul Repth!" He shouted, healing first Kuhn, then Silabus, and finally himself. The monsters, kept at bay by Silabus and Kuhn, fell down in shadows of black, disappearing and leaving behind the EXP. It didn't take long before their levels began to rise.

Stopping a moment to rest and recharge, Haseo's eyes settled on a blue wall that raised from the ground, clashing and clanging could be heard from it. It was a battle area, and whoever was inside it was clearly struggling a bit. Upon fully healing, and using a few items to recharge, they headed off to help the poor soul. Expecting some form of PK, Haseo instead found a blue haired, Blade Brandier, who was nearly at the end of his HP. Endrance rose to see who had come inside his Battle Area, only to find himself looking into the crimson optics of the Adept Rogue he knew so well. Angry at himself, he charged back into the fight and found himself slammed back against the wall of the Battle Area. Before he could compose a thought, Haseo had sunk his blade into the beast, and it disappeared into a shadow of its former self. Endrance felt weak, felt pathetic. He wasted no time logging out of The World.

"Ugh!" Kaoru groaned, throwing off his FMD. "He won't look at me. He looks that them, those stronger ones." Kaoru's hands flew to cover his face. He didn't know what to do. He wasn't strong enough. He wasn't good enough to get his attention. Frustrated and sad, Kaoru moved to his bed and curled up under the covers. Sad eyes fluttered closed, and he fell into a light sleep. It was far from peaceful however, his sleep rittled with nightmares. It was his beeping computer that woke him from his three hour sleep. In hopes that it would be who he wanted it to be, Kaoru nearly lunged at his computer. There were two new emails, one of which was from Sakubo, and the other from Haseo. Completely ignoring the email from Sakubo, Kaoru opened the email from Haseo with extreme haste.

_Subject: Endrance_

_Sender: Haseo_

_Hey, are you alright?_

_You've been acting weird lately._

_I'll be at Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground, if you want to talk._

Kaoru stared at his computer, unsure of what to do. Without even thinking about it, he pulled his FMD on and logged in. There was no thought process within his mind, he simply went to the area without taking the time to ponder on what to say. Still, when he saw the Adept Rogue standing there, the sun shining across his form, Kaoru couldn't even form a coherent thought. He approached slowly, boots echoing against the marble floors. It was quiet, but serene and peaceful. He almost felt as though he shouldn't disturb the Adept Rogue, but against his will, his voice called out.

"Haseo?" Kaoru's voice cracked, and he mentally cursed at himself.

Haseo turned to face him, giving the Blade Brandier a small smile. "Endrance. Hey."

Kaoru's heart fluttered. "Y-you wanted to talk?"

Haseo shrugged. "I just want to know if you're okay. Seems like you've been avoiding everyone lately."

Endrance stared down at his feet. "I. . . I have been busy. That's all."

"Busy? Leveling up? You know you can invite people for that. You don't have to do it alone." Haseo shifted his weight to his left leg, hand coming to rest against his hip. His expression was serious.

"I know, but I cannot." Endrance muttered.

Haseo looked puzzled. "Why's that?"

_Because I want you to look at only me._ "I just can't."

Haseo frowned. "Endrance, are things okay offline? You've always been okay with adventuring with me."

"I don't have a problem adventuring with you Haseo, I always love your company." Kaoru's face was hot, eyes cast down to the ground.

Haseo smiled. "So, then what's the problem?"

_Please, look only at me. Only at me!_

Endrance opened his mouth to respond, when a small voice echoed through the cathedral. "Haseo!" It was Atoli. She ran up to the Adept Rogue, smiling wide.

Haseo greeted her with a smile as well, maroon hues now locked on her.

_No. . . no, look only at me. Not her. Not her. . _. A sudden sobbing soung could be heard. Both Haseo and Atoli looked to Endrance, whose face was completely calm, yet Kaoru's sobs could be heard through him. Endrance turned and ran back to the Chaos Gate, Haseo shouting after him. Though the Adept Rogue attempted to catch him, Endrance disappeared too quickly, having logged out.

Kaoru nearly threw his controller. "I'm tired of this. I just want him to look at me. . . only me." The boy curled up, sobbing violently against his knees. A ding echoed through his room, the stale air shifting slightly. Kaoru peered up, opening his inbox to see Haseo's name next to an unread message. He couldn't bring himself to open it. The boy cried, his thin frame shaking violently. Why? Why did Haseo have to mean so much? Why did he have to come to depend on someone, like he had on Mia?

"I should have known. . ." Kaoru muttered. Just like Mia, I am not good enough for Haseo.

Minutes drifted by, and suddenly his inbox began to chime repeatedly. Continuous messages from Haseo began to flood into his inbox, and Kaoru watched, dumbstruck, as over twenty messages sprung up. Reluctantly, he opened the first one. And then the next. And the next. Each message read the same thing.

_Subject: Endrance_

_Sender: Haseo_

_Call me._

_3-xxxx-xxxx_

Kaoru stared, dumbstruck. Clamy hands retrieved an unused cell-phone, and thin fingers dialed the number. It rang, Kaoru's heart racing faster with each second. Just hang up, just hang up, bothering him is bad. He's only taking pity on you.

"Hello?" A familiar voice called.

"H-Haseo?"

"Endrance, you called! I didn't think you really would."

Kaoru fidgeted. "Did you. . . want something?"

"Yeah actually," Ryou stated with an irritated tone. "What the hell is up with you lately?"

"It's nothing." It's not nothing, but I can't tell you the truth.

"You're lying Endrance."

Kaoru stuttered. "I-I'm not!"

Ryou sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Endrance, come on." His voice was soft, caring.

Kaoru broke down, sobbing softly. "Please. . . look only at me. . ." He muttered softly the phone. Not at Atoli, not at Pi, not at Sakubo, not at Shino. Just at me. . .

Ryou remained silent for a moment, before the words he spoke echoed through Kaoru's entire frame. "What are you talking about?" His was no longer sweet, and Kaoru's skin felt as though he'd been lit on fire. Haseo didn't understand. How could he? And why would he ever choose Kaoru over the others? After all, Kaoru was a boy. . . not some curvy, perfect girl that would be capable of making Haseo happy in every way.

"I'm sorry. . . forget-"

"Kaoru I always look at you." Ryou whispered.

Kaoru nearly dropped the phone. "W. . . what?"


End file.
